The problem with thought and thinking
and introspection etc.
is tt thought is too fluid... to emm wats
tt word - ever-changing (theres a word
for this... volatile- no... mm ...
like chinese wu xia - bianhua duo or soemht)

anyways... yes- the thing is
thinkg lead to - sometimes admission
of faults or weaknesses - the prob
wif me is tt sometimes these
admissions can become excuses-
like "im lazy" -so instead of leading
2 actions of working harder -
it can bcum a composite of
telling urself 2 work harder while
the truth of "being lazy" is subconsciously
confirmed...
tts sort of the simplest e.g. tt comes 2 mind

i need 2 b more objective man sez a personality
type thingi... makes sense - wt i think
objective means is to disassociate feelings with
tasks. ie ignore the pain (in a dramatic way)
i thinkg like NS man...
i rem in a slightly vague way the pain
tt comes wif being forced 2 do certain things...
e.g. many many push-ups in FBO -
psychological torture if one slackens n the
whole group is made 2 continue in tt
uncomfortable position hands on asphalt
hot sun backpack slipping over head pushing
down helmet. sweat drips n continues drippin
down staining the asphalt a darker grey than it
should b outlining our human shilouette
- it would hv been alot ezier 4 me if
i could hv js disassociated rite? hw tho is interesting

my MBTI is either INFP - i took this test proper
in VJC dayz... a while later i took it was
ISTJ ... but i think mite b closer to ISFP
ah heck the middles r all pretty close i think

POint is the profile idetnifies me as strongest
in FEELING n next in either INTUITION or SENSING
- problem here is tt the words dun mean exactly
as they do in functional english...

if i rem correctly FEELING is abt empathy etc.
- meaning one fits best in like, for e.g.,
artist careers... hmm
hw 2 disassociate then? try lor i guess...NO dun try
DO ...a heck...

random rants ?????

here i am....

been wantin 2 rant 4 quite a while but
couldnt put the proverbial pen 2 paper...

wt did i wan 2 rant abt?

hmm i guess all the complications
of internal monologue...

getting angry at instituitions n
standards... - a dialectic tts been poppin
up in my mind is this:
4 mos of my life ive been operatin on
"wat should i do?" emphasis on the should-
as opposed 2 wat i want 2 do...
u noe- living up 2 a standard ?

chasing a dream is somewat different u noe...
standard - ideals.... fine line of difference
but i guess i m complaining- blaming tt
ohhh its bcoz of XYZ tt ive been repressed etc.
etc. theres some truth in tt yea, but immediately
the "adult" (adult-child voice a la freud... freud ritE?... i think so.)
comes in n sez "oh no dun blame...! Ur life is ur
own ur choices etc..)

so wt 2 do i do then wif this feelings?
hmm anyway on 2 the nextt ...

hmm brainz abit lazier 2day...
bit ridiculous acherli this thing of
self-censorship... mebe im js mos
angry at myself? But the moment i thot tt
i was upset got tts so bloody cliche...
U noe- the matry( 4got hw 2spell) complex
martry -? ...

ya...

mebe im js upset cos i dun hv a job?

seriously tho - i hate gravitating 2wards
wanting 2 b responsible n nt giving a damn..
k k tts nt reali accurate...

more like... again as ive chong-heid
operating ur life based on the "should"
and the wt i realli want...
theres good argument 4 the "wt i reali want"
line...
the "should" - in some part, can b hypocritical-
cos ME or ONE, is simply desiring 2 b
a "good boy" ... operating fr a sense
of inadequacy ... meaning its nt realii
cos the person (or ME) want to,
for e.g. drive (class 3)... but cos
it someth tt feels gd to have, should hv etc.
ie societal expectations...
cos this is complicated cos its together
wif real, honest "SHOULD" feelings, for e.g.
thinkg tt it b nice if i can drive my parents
ard... who nv drove me ard u noe...

chasing after the want - cos theres the operational
benefits - doin someth u love > better perfromance etc.
more likely 2 hit the top of the field etc.

Relating all this to current real life
pursuits- gettin a job makes it complciated i guess
altho at the end - dun reali help much i think...

hmm wt ive been feelin hasnt been as mundane
dry non-emotional as the post so far.,.. but tts
gd cos i desire self-censorship... but at same
time v irritated by my own...
For e.g. if fren ask me 2 do someth - even if i
dun reali feel like doin - self censorship steps
in n i would not verbalise the lack of desire...
k bad e.g. but someth like tt... which leads ppl
to think tt i DO desire tt action...

i shal post this first b4 it disappears...